06 Enneagram 3 Parent Interview – Rose Archer
In this Episode, Sandra interviews guest Rose Archer, an Enneagram 3 single parent, whose discovery of her Enneagram type led her to completely change the way she lives her life.
This episode includes:
- An overview of the Enneagram 3 type
- Rose’s powerful life transformation story
- Rose’s experience parenting as an Enneagram 3
About Rose:
Rose is the executive director of Haven Coworking in Bend, Oregon and a single mom to a 9 year old boy. She also has a history as an esteemed chef and offers cooking classes online!
Links and references:
The Haven Co-working Space in Bend, OR
Rose’s online cooking program
Email: FamilyPersonalitiesPod@gmail.com
Instagram: FamilyPersonalities
Facebook: FamilyPersonalities
Website: www.familypersonalities.com/podcast
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Podcast Episode Summary
Sandra briefly introduces our guest, Rose Archer, who has EFJ (ENFJ or ESFJ) preferences on the Myers-Briggs type model and is an Enneagram 3. Sandra teases the interview, explaining that Rose has a very compelling story about how she discovered Enneagram and how she used that information to change her life for the better. She knows a lot about Enneagram and has clearly done a lot of introspection and work around type. She is very vulnerable and open about herself and also has an inspiring co-parenting situation with her ex-husband.
Sandra reads a brief overview of Enneagram 3 types:
From the Enneagram Institute Website:
Threes are self-assured, attractive, and charming. Ambitious, competent, and energetic, they can also be status-conscious and highly driven for advancement. They are diplomatic and poised, but can also be overly concerned with their image and what others think of them. They typically have problems with workaholism and competitiveness. At their Best: self-accepting, authentic, everything they seem to be—role models who inspire others.
- Basic Fear: Of being worthless
- Basic Desire: To feel valuable and worthwhile
Listen to Episode 5 for a more in-depth discussion of Enneagram Threes and how they show up as parents.
Sandra gives a brief overview of the main function that EFJ types (ENFJ & ESFJ) use:
- Extraverted Feeling – Harmony
- Make decisions based on what is best for the collective good of others
- Aware of how others perceive them
- Like to be in control and have things planned and organized
Interview with Rose:
In Part 1 of our interview Rose shares with us her discovery of her Enneagram type and how that changed her life:
- She jokes that Enneagram Threes like to talk about themselves and maybe she should start her own podcast
- Rose was 31 when she learned her Enneagram type. She was killing herself to run her catering business and her life and relationships were suffering. She did a weekend workshop on Enneagram and by the end of the workshop she chose to declare bankruptcy, repo her car and foreclose on her house and restart her life over again from scratch.
- Rose is grateful that she was able to learn her type and do work with her type before she became a mother, she feels that her life is better in every way because of what she learned and the work she has done subsequently.
- Rose shares that she chose to be a stay at home mom and loved it. Her son was a phenomenal baby/toddler. And she felt like she was on vacation after working 16 hour days for so many years.
- Sandra discloses that Rose’s son is an ESTP and that they are generally very happy, entertaining and easy going when they are very young.
- Rose shares that she grew up in an abusive family. She grew up on welfare and at 14 made the decision she was not going to ever be on welfare. Rose resonated with the messaging that Threes receive when they are young which is that they are not worthy of love as they are, and that they need to achieve in order to receive that love. Rose went on a path to create the best image of herself that she could that would make her feel loveable.
- Rose says that America values Threes and we do not value people who do not want an image of success. And so Threes feel validated by others for the way that they live their life. She discusses the lower side of Threes being deceit and that often Threes can even deceive themselves.
- Rose wanted a big, definitive line in the sand to change over from her prior belief that she had to keep up an image of success in order to be loveable to her new belief that she is loveable for who she is at her core. This is why she went to such an extreme to foreclose on her house, declare bankruptcy, etc.
- Rose now always asks herself before any life decision “Am I doing this because of how I think it will look to others, or because this is really what I want?”
- She admits her compulsion to tell people all about herself and her accomplishments when she meets them and that she now talks to herself in her head and reminds herself that it’s okay to not share all of these things, and that listening to others is important too.
- In a surprisingly introspective moment, Rose talks about the fact that even her story of how she discovered Enneagram and changed her life by declaring bankruptcy is a way that she could spin a narrative of a success story instead of having to embrace a failure story
Sandra asks Rose the general set of parenting questions that we ask all of our parent guests:
- Sandra explains that EFJs on the Myers-Briggs model are similar to the characteristics of the Enneagram 3 type and that often ENFJs and ESFJs will type as Threes and vice versa.
- Rose wanted to be a really good mom because hers wasn’t. She wanted to be filled up in the way a child can fill you up. She wanted to create a family of her choosing that is supportive, safe and loving, in the way that her family of origin was not.
- Rose says the hardest thing about parenting for her is that she is used to being able to control the outcome of things, and her son has been a big lesson that she cannot always do that. Rose is grateful that she learned that her son is not an extension of her and tries hard not to control him and make him be a certain way in order to uphold her own image.
- Sandra talks about how FJs on the Myers-Briggs feel the opinions of others very strongly and that in the episode where we interviewed Megan Welch, an ENFJ Ennegram 7 mother, she felt a similar way to Rose.
- Rose loves that she is able to survive a safe, stable environment for her child and watching him grow.
- Rose hopes that her son will know how much she loves him and wants him to be who he is.
- When it comes to discipline, Rose says she has learned she is an “over-explainer” and has learned that children are different from adults and that sometimes she just needs to stick with “no means no”.
- Rose thinks that if she hadn’t learned the Enneagram she might not have realized how important it is to be present with her son. She may not have been able to turn away from all of the things that need to be done in order to put her attention on him
- Rose discusses that her co-parent is an Enneagram 5. He is much more thoughtful than her. He analyzes things and comes to her later to explain what he thinks may be going on. Rose says she is more of a feeling type and she is better at being able to read in the moment whether their son needs tough love or needs empathy and to be able to emote. However, she says she will sometimes give in too much on the emotions and it has led to some emotional manipulation on the side of her son. She says that she and her co-parent compliment each other in this way.
- Rose describes that an ideal day with her son is something where they could be spontaneous and open-minded to creating a day where they could do something they both enjoy. A day where they each show up for each other.
Thank you so much to Rose for coming on the podcast and being so vulnerable, introspective and open!
Email Call-out: Are you an Enneagram 3? Do you resonate with Rose’s experience as a parent?
familypersonalitiespod@gmail.com
Next episode: How the Enneagram types show up in our parenting: types 4, 5 & 6
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