05 Enneagram Parents (part 1)
In this Episode, Sandra and Em discuss how the 9 Enneagram types show up in our parenting. This is part 1 of a 3 part series.
Our topic of the day covers:
- What is Enneagram and how is it different from Myers-Briggs
- We dig into Enneagram types 1, 2 and 3. We talk about each type’s focus, each type’s passion, or dark side, and how these defense mechanisms may have been activated in childhood. And then we go into how each type shows up in our parenting.
Links and references:
Leeann and Michelle Enneagram Parody YouTube Channel
Glennon Doyle on Brene Brown’s Podcast: Unlocking Us
The Complete Enneagram by Beatrice Chestnut
The Three Keys to Self Understanding by Pat Wyman
Untamed by Glennon Doyle
Enneagram quiz: Truity.com (please don’t rely only on these results! Personality typing takes a lot more effort and self-reflection than an online quiz can cover. But it’s a fun starting point.)
Email: FamilyPersonalitiesPod@gmail.com
Instagram: FamilyPersonalities
Facebook: FamilyPersonalities
Website: www.familypersonalities.com/podcast
To do personality type work with Sandra E-mail her at Sandra@FamilyPersonalities.com or check out more on her website: www.familypersonalities.com
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Podcast Episode Summary
Just as our Enneagram types have us showing up in the world in a certain way, they also cause us to show up in our parenting a certain way. Today we dig into Enneagram types 1, 2 and 3. We talk about each type’s focus, each type’s passion, or dark side, and how these defense mechanisms may have been activated in childhood. And then we go into how the type shows up in parenting.
What’s new with Sandra & Em
- Em updates us on her campaigning life and her experience doing virtual town halls. She talks about how they were nerve racking in the beginning but how they have become easier over time and especially when she gets into things that feel urgent and topics she really feels invested in, she feels her most confident and like she’s doing her best work.
- Sandra talks about her experience with the podcast going live and how vulnerable that felt. She also shares that she is hitting a wall with the social distancing and that she is struggling with her mental health.
Segment: “Why do they do that?”
- Em talks about Leeann and Michelle’s Enneagram Parody YouTube Channel and how they did a video about Enneagram 4’s needing their essential oil diffuser and Em JUST bought a second essential oil diffuser to set the mood correctly. Em explains that Fours need their essential oil diffusers because they’re “extra AF”. She describes that things need to feel a certain way before she can get solid work done.
- Em also talks about how her daughter has been doing nightly “parties”. She spends the day planning and preparing for the party and she has a specific schedule for the party that must be stuck to. But the parties include a pretty dress and dancing too! They discuss that having control over the party and the schedule might bring her comfort as a J on Myers-Briggs. And of course it’s always fun to have a party!
- Sandra talks about how her husband ALWAYS has the news on right now. They speculate that with him being an Enneagram 5, he finds comfort in information. Sandra shares a quote from Beatrice Chestnut’s The Complete Enneagram that explains that internal support for Fives comes from information and boundaries instead of connection to others. So instead of leaning on others during stressful times they lean on gaining knowledge. Em and Sandra both agree that too much news stresses them out, but perhaps it really brings Sandra’s husband comfort instead.
Topic of the Day: How the Enneagram types show up in our parenting (part 1: types 1, 2 & 3)
- What is Enneagram:
- It is the defense mechanism that was activated in your personality very early on in your childhood.
- Pat Wyman in The Three Keys to Self-Understanding describes Myers-Briggs as your natural way of being in the world – she calls it your House. Then Enneagram is the person who guards your house. The guard you put out in front of your house to be protected when you were young.
- Why is it helpful to know this? You don’t need your guard and although it was put into place as a survival mechanism you don’t need it anymore and it is likely hurting you or holding you back in life. Understanding what that guard is is the first step to letting down that guard.
- Em asks if you can change once you let your guard down – do you become a different personality type? Because she felt more like an Enneagram 6 when she had high anxiety and after working through a lot of stuff in therapy now she identifies as an Enneagram 4. Sandra explains that you only have one Enneagram type. But she speculates that maybe as an INFP Em is relating to her House instead of her Guard.
- If you want to do an Enneagram quiz online Truity.com gives a nice graphic images of all the types and how likely you are to be each one. Sandra warns never to rely on the results of an assessment for your personality type. Personality type is too intricate and requires more self reflection than you can get in an forced-choice assessment.
- Enneagram 1:
- Focus – Noticing error, discerning right and wrong, reliance on rules and structure
- Passion – Repressed anger – can leak out as resentment, criticism, self-righteousness but also anger at oneself – beating oneself up. Depression can be a big problem for 1’s (anger is not perfect so 1s try to suppress it until they no longer can and then it comes out over strong)
- Sandra talks about how many Ones (herself included) have a voice in their head, or an “inner critic” that is always telling them that what they are doing is not good enough.
- Childhood source: They may have experienced pressure or criticism to do something correctly that they weren’t capable of yet. Or lacked structure and their childhood had unpredictability so they needed to put things in order to feel control. They somehow developed the belief that to be worthy of love or to be in control – they must be perfect.
- Sandra shares how deeply that inner belief resonates with herself. She knows that when her anxiety/depression starts to show up she knows that means she is holding too many expectations on herself. She shares that trying to take those expectations off of herself does not feel freeing, instead it gives her incredible anxiety, like something bad will happen if she does not keep doing everything perfectly.
- Em wonders if having an Enneagram 8 parent (like Sandra has), where the parent defaults to anger, could lead to an Enneagram 1 child.
- Sandra speculates that it probably depends on the child. She shares that although her brother is definitely not an Enneagram 1 even though he got a lot of their dad’s anger growing up.
- Sandra also shares that her mom is an Enneagram 7, ENFP. So was she trying to get control over the scattered and out of control feeling that she felt from her mom? Or was it from fearing her dad’s anger? Or would she have had these Enneagram 1 tendencies anyway?
- Sandra shares that what works best for her is to talk back to her inner critic. She has mantras that she recites in her head to rewire how her brain processes these things.
- Em brings up the book Untamed by Glennon Doyle and that when she can’t do something for herself, she wants to do it for her daughter, so she can set her free, and model for her what that looks like.
- As a parent:
- Parent with a purpose
- Have high expectations (in order to be a perfect parent you must produce the perfect child)
- Consistent and fair
- Order and rules
- Instill responsibility
- Sandra says that she does not relate 100% to this list. She talks about how people can have a push and pull between their Myers-Briggs type or their “House” and their Enneagram or their “Guard”. Sandra speculates that the N in her Myers-Briggs type (INFJ) makes her pull away from the routine, details and rigidity that you might see in an Enneagram 1.
- Enneagram 2:
- Focus – Relationships, gaining approval, being helpful and in service to others “need to be needed”. Find their own identity through their relationship to others.
- Passion – Pride – They have a need for self-inflation/self-elevation obtained through being in service to others – but this can be followed by self-criticism.
- Source in Childhood – learned that their own needs are too much – often have overwhelmed caregivers who didn’t give them the unconditional love they needed. learned that if they keep focused on others and outside the self to avoid feeling internal emotional pain. If they keep others happy they will avoid getting hurt.
- As a parent:
- Shower with affection (maybe even to the point of smothering)
- Focus on emotional connection
- Giving of themselves
- Highly attentive
- Neglect their own needs
- Positive reinforcement
- Raise their children to be dependent on them
- Caveat here that a lot of moms will resonate with the above and you should rule out other types before you latch on to 2. Sandra and Em both typed as an Enneagram 2 when they first took an online quiz.
- Em explains that looking back to before motherhood she doesn’t relate to Enneagram 2 as much as she does now that she is a parent. And that thinking of others and doing for others is a muscle that she has grown over time.
- Sandra explains that reading the passion/dark side of the 2, she did not relate to being an Enneagram 2 but that she did resonate with the passion/dark side of a 1. Sandra explains that FJs on the Myers-Briggs may resonate with some things about Enneagram 2 and are more likely to be an Enneagram 2.
- Enneagram 3:
- Focus – Image of success, tasks and goals, identify with their work: “they are what they do”.
- Passion – Vanity – Present a false image to others to come off as more successful – they determine their identity through how others perceive them. But in moments of emotion can feel sadness for being recognized for what they do rather than who they are.
- Childhood Source: A belief that they cannot be valued for themselves and can achieve value through achieving. Received the message that what they do and the work they produce is what makes them loveable. Or did not receive the attention they needed and they achieved to try to earn that attention.
- Sandra and Em speculate that this may feel familiar to people as our society rewards the Enneagram 3 behaviors: high achievement, high productivity, etc.
- As a parent:
- Cheerleaders
- High expectations
- Encourage children to be their best
- Productive
- Keep a hectic schedule
- Sandra shares that next week our guest is an Enneagram 3 who has a very compelling story to share about how she changed her life when she discovered her Enneagram type.
Action / Challenge: Think about your Enneagram type? How does it show up in your parenting? What are the positive ways? What are the negative types?
E-mail Call-out: Are you an Enneagram 1, 2 or 3? Tell us if what we discussed today resonated. Is there anything we missed? Where do you think it came from in your childhood?
familypersonalitypod@gmail.com
Next episode: Guest Enneagram 3 Parent: Rose Archer
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