Episode 32

Sandra and Em talk about how to navigate a difference between Judging and Perceiving in your family.

Full show notes:

Review of Judging vs Perceiving:

  • How you approach the outer world
  • Judging: Prefer to put the outer world in order, with planning, structure and order
  • Perceiving: Prefer to take the outer world as it comes, staying open and flexible. 
  • Probably both types have had to stretch a lot as parents

Common Judging vs Perceiving Parent Complaints:

  • Judging parent to want Perceiving parent to be more on top of things and planning more and following through better
  • Perceiving parent wanting Judging parent to lighten up and be more flexible and spontaneous

Sandra previews that a preference for Judging or Perceiving also changes how you use your other functions. For example, if you are two Feeling parents who differ in J/P, then you use different types of Feeling from one another. Check out episode 17 with the Camachos. They are an INFP/INFJ couple and they go into the J vs P challenge in their parenting relationship.

Sandra and Em go through three areas where you might see a conflict between Judging and Perceiving in your relationship:

  1. Organization

Judging users generally have a lower tolerance for mess. Everything needs to be in place and organized for them to feel comfortable. They may be annoyed at their Perceiving partner not keeping things to their standards

For the parent who prefers Perceiving: it’s not necessarily that they will have a messy home, but just that they’re likely to be more casual about it, leaving an unfinished project out on the table, clothes out on the bed, etc. And they may be annoyed by the uptightness of their Judging partner

Potential Solution: One way that many couples work this out is  that the Judging parent really picks the places in the house / the chores that are most in important to them to remain clean/tidy/organized and agrees to let it be in other areas

  • For example, the parent who prefers Perceiving parent agrees to keep the kitchen sink and the bathroom and hallway in order and parent who prefers Judging agrees to look the other way when it comes to their partner’s office and their side of the closet. 
  1. Control

People who use Judging really feel the need to control their outer world and that can sometimes show up as trying to control their partner

People who use Perceiving have a strong need to feel free. If they have a partner who tries to exert control, this will leave them feeling constrained. 

One example of a common J/P conflict is a family trip. The parent with Judging preferences will likely have sat down beforehand and made a list of all the preparations that need to be done, as well as planned out the trip itself. They may insist their Perceiving partner needs to go take care of the oil change on the car today because of the other things on the to-do list that will take up tomorrow and the desire to start packing the car early. But what if the Perceiving partner wanted to go for a run before it gets dark and resents being told when he/she must go get an oil change, and doesn’t see why it can’t wait until the morning?


Potential Solution: Express the stress/worry that goes along with the desire. For example, with the scenario about the parent who prefers Juding says “I am stressed with all the things that need to get done and I’m worried we’ll have too much on our plate tomorrow to squeeze in the oil change, can you help alleviate this stress?” The fear is that without control over how it happens, it won’t turn out okay. If the parent with Perceiving preferences can show how they can help it turn out okay in a different way, judging parent can let go of some of the control

  1. Closure/Decision

Parents who prefer Judging have a need to have things decided – they feel a tension while in the decision phase and a great release once something is decided. And then they like to move on.

Parents who prefer Perceiving want to stay open to new information – their tension comes when they feel like they have to make a decision and stick to it because there might be new info/opportunities that will change their minds.

With Leslie & Laura in episode 17 you could hear this dynamic in their Pizza argument. Laura (J) had asked Leslie (P) if he could order pizza later in the day. Leslie expressed around 5pm that he wasn’t sure if he had it in him to order pizza. Laura, as a J, took that as a decision. It was decided in her head that Leslie wasn’t ordering pizza, so she had to go do it herself. (taking control). She was angry and resentful but set about making pizza herself. Leslie hadn’t decided anything yet, he was just working through all the options. He was find with ordering pizza a bit later (flexible P). Leslie was annoyed because in the schedule in her head the kids needed to eat by a certain time (J).                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Potential Solution: A parent with Judging preferences needs to have awareness that something spoken by your Perceiving partner isn’t their last word. They are likely to change their minds. Communicate: “I really feel like I need to have this decided – it’s weighing on me.” On the other side, for the partner with Perceiving preferences who isn’t ready to decide on something yet, communicate: I don’t want to make a decision yet because xyz – there may be valid information we just don’t know yet that needs to be had before a good decision can be made. You can help each other stretch!

Links and references:

Check out my podcast page for episodes broken down by topic.If you’re new to Myers-Briggs personality type, check out episodes that cover the basics

Enlist Sandra’s services to create a more peaceful dynamic in your family!

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