Em shares her surprising story of a protest she attended the night before.
Then we get into the topic of the day: Using the Thinking vs Feeling preference to navigate disagreements in parenting relationships
Thinking vs Feeling:
- How you prefer to make decisions
- Thinking: step out of the situation, considering only objective logical data
- Feeling: step into the situation, considering the feelings/values of self and others
- We all can do both of these things, and both are equally valid ways of coming to conclusions, but one of them feels more comfortable and natural to us.
Sandra (F) shares a story about her husband (T) throwing his laundry from the 2nd to the first floor in an attempt to be helpful.
Em (F) talks about how when she and her husband (T) are in conflict he’s like an island, isolating himself, and she is like the emotional waves crashing onto him.
Coming at decisions from different directions
- Sandra sets up an example of holiday plans: Are we going to go 2 hours out of our way to visit aunt carol?
- Thinking parent – NO it’s in the opposite direction of where we’re heading, we went their last year, we’d only get to spend an hour or two with them
- Feeling parent – YES it will make them feel so good to see the kids, they have always been their for us, it will be more special for the kids to open their gifts with them
- Thinking parent may perceive that Feeler parent is overvaluing emotions/people pleasing and ignoring the important details about how long the drive is going to be etc. –
- Feeler parent may perceive that Thinking parent is uncaring / unkind and not putting family as a priority
- TIP to solve this type of conflict:
- Acknowledge each others’ viewpoints and don’t minimize their arguments
- Feeling parent needs to acknowledge that it is not efficient to do the detour and that it will make the trip longer
- Thinking parent needs to acknowledge that aunt Carol is an important person in their life and her feelings matter
- Pluses and Minuses Chart: Write ALL pluses and minuses down together. The ones that deal with logistics/facts/data and the ones that deal with emotions/values of selves and others
- Make sure that the solution addresses both people’s concerns
- E.g. If you DO visit Aunt Carol and the thinking parents’ big concern was too much driving time / fatigue – solve the driving time / fatigue in another way (a morning of rest before the next activity, sharing the driving responsibilities different, etc)
- E..g If you DON’t visit aunt carol – how can we take care of Aunt Carol’s feelings – a handwritten note with pictures from the kids or a zoom call with everyone expressing love and setting a date when she can see the kids next
- Acknowledge each others’ viewpoints and don’t minimize their arguments
Dealing with Emotions/Stress
- Feeler wanting to just be validated/empathized with, Thinker wanting to solve problem
- TIP: Feeler parent give the thinking parent an easy to follow rule
- E.g. When I come home and complain that I’m tired please say “i’m sorry you’re tired, tell me why?” And then listen and give me a hug.
- TIP: Feeler parent give the thinking parent an easy to follow rule
- Feeler want to hash out emotions, Thinker (or even FP) prefer to process on the inside
- TIP: If the conflict needs to be resolved, set a time to talk when both parents are well rested and not in the middle of stress situation
- TIP: If it is already resolved and Feeler just needs to vent – find someone else (friend, sibling, parent) to talk to
E-mail Call-out: Share a Thinking vs Feeling conflict you’ve had in your parenting relationship or a tip that has helped you sort through disagreements like the ones we discussed
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