Sandra & Em discuss what your child needs from you based on their preference for Thinking vs. Feeling in the Myers-Briggs personality type model.
Our topic of the day covers:
- The different needs that Thinking kids have vs. Feeling kids including:
- Discipline/guidance
- Empathy/patience
- Supporting their emotional development
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Full show notes:
What’s new with Sandra & Em
Em tells us about being elected as the official democratic candidate for her district’s state representative in Oregon! We are so proud of her hard work! And she shares her feelings about what it’s like going into the general election phase of her campaign.
Sandra tells us about how she keeps breaking out into uncontrollable laughing fits and wonders if this is her strange way of coping with the COVID-19 pandemic related stress.
Topic of the Day: What does your child need from you based on their preference for Thinking vs. Feeling in Myers-Briggs
- Thinking vs Feeling:
- Go back to episode 9 for behaviors that can help you determine which preference your child has
- It’s how we make decisions (think of all the little decisions during the day, like what to reply to someone during conversation, whether to use your turn signal when you’re driving, how to work around someone if you’re both in the kitchen at the same time, etc)
- Em asks if people really don’t use their turn signal. Sandra says she gets lazy and doesn’t use it if people aren’t around sometimes. Em says she’s more of a rule person and always uses it no matter what.
- How to support kids who prefer Thinking:
- Take extra care to explain the “why” behind your rules when enforcing them with your T child, especially if you’ve changed an expectation. T children need to know that the rules are fair and logical if they are going to be convinced to follow them. Resist the “because I said so”
- T children value honesty and directness. They may have a tendency to say things without considering the harmful effects that their comments may have on others. Understand that your child is not “mean” or “inconsiderate,” but just does not want to be insincere AND has a hard time understanding why what they are saying will hurt someone.
- Use logic to explain to your child the effect that their actions or words have on other people and have patience as this is a learned skill for them.
- Sandra talks about how explaining to Ryker logically how him telling his sister that he doesn’t like her drawing hurts her feelings helped him make that a rule he can easily follow
- He hasn’t magically become naturally complementary, like we heard Avery do in her interview last episode, but he knows now not to tell people that he doesn’t like their work
- Remember that although your T child prefers to make decisions in a purely detached and logical fashion, this doesn’t mean that they don’t have and experience intense emotions. They may need extra assistance in the important process of identifying and expressing their emotions, as doing so does not come naturally to them.
- Name the emotions you see in your child (and model naming your own emotions)
- “You look like you feel angry”
- Try not to shame around emotions
- Sandra shares that they all admit to being “cranky” in their family because we don’t say it as an insult – it just is what it is
- Name the emotions you see in your child (and model naming your own emotions)
- How to support your child who prefers Feeling:
- Be extra expressive and affectionate (both physically and verbally) with your F child, especially when correcting them, or in other emotionally charged moments. F children really need to feel loved and appreciated in order to feel safe, and may take conflict very personally. Taking the extra time to reassure them of your unconditional love will go a long way toward maintaining a trusting and loving relationship with them as they grow and mature.
- FJ’s interpret conflict/criticism as a value judgment against how good or worthy they are – remind them that they are good and worthy even if they have something they are being corrected on
- FP’s interpret conflict/criticism as a threat to their connection/love with the person – remind them of your unconditional love, maintain touch and eye contact
- Em talks about how she can naturally parent this way as an FP herself, and how she thinks her daughter (an FJ) would have a really hard time if she raised her voice at her
- Provide your F child with a safe outlet for their emotions. They are likely to be more affected by times of stress and conflict in the family because they absorb tension and feelings from those around them. Your F child may even develop physical symptoms (such as a tummy ache or a headache) after a particularly chaotic classroom or family situation.
- Regular opportunities to talk about how they’re feeling – can work it into bedtime routine or dinner table time
- Em says her friend does “Apple and Onion” on the way home from school with her son
- Encourage your F child to develop the courage to stick to their convictions. F children may be likely to go along with what others want in order to avoid conflict or in order to be liked and appreciated. They sometimes need extra support to understand their own opinions and place value on those.
- Sandra points out how Em and her husband allow their daughter to voice her opinions and that is really important
- Especially in a family with more dominating personalities, make sure to specifically ask what your F child wants and make sure they get their way also. Sandra has to really help Ripley practice having her own opinion when her T brother is so strong in his opinions she gets used to just letting him have his way
- Be extra expressive and affectionate (both physically and verbally) with your F child, especially when correcting them, or in other emotionally charged moments. F children really need to feel loved and appreciated in order to feel safe, and may take conflict very personally. Taking the extra time to reassure them of your unconditional love will go a long way toward maintaining a trusting and loving relationship with them as they grow and mature.
Action / Challenge: Take a moment to consider your Thinking child or your Feeling child. Write down one or two things you can put into place that will help support them.
E-mail Call-out: Do you have a practice you do at home that you think especially supports a Thinking or Feeling child?
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